By Peter Kabaiku, PhD
Today we are gathered here to celebrate the men in our church. The PCMF has made major inroads towards helping the men find themselves. The journey for the man in Kenya has been bumpy and has had many twists and turns. I can speak a little more authoritatively about the Agikuyu men. Their journey towards self-identity has not been easy. Their challenges began with fathers going to the forest to fight for independence from our colonial masters. When the men went to the forests, the boys were left without a mentor because women were left running most households.
When the men came back from the forest, some became bitter because they felt short-changed by the systems. Others were disappointed at home because they found out their wives had sired children with home guards during their long stay in the forest. As a result, some men went away to the cities to look for work and others to new settlement areas. The boy child was further left without a mentor. On the other hand, the girls have had a powerful mentor all through. When the generation of these young men grew up and got married, they found themselves being absent dads because they were either too busy working, socializing, or partying rather than being at home with their children.
In most cases, we have very empowered women who know their place and role in the family, but their men are not sure of their place and roles. Our men need a lot of support at home and in the church so that in their search for identity, they do not fall into the wrong hands. I know there was an outcry from the church about the “Kiama Kia Ma.” This is just a clear indication that there is a renaissance taking place, and men are seekings to find their place in the family and society.
Our meditation this morning will focus more on the family, which is the most epitome part of society. I like the theme chosen because it raises the concern for choosing to lead the family in a godly way. I see a confident man, Joshua, who calls people to resolve who to serve. He comes out strongly and says for my family and me. We will serve the Lord. This tells that he was in control at the national level and even in his own family. Do you think the man of God would have spoken that confidently without support from the family?
Friends, while the Bible clearly affirms the equality of men and women (see Galatians 3:28), it also tells us plainly that God has assigned the responsibility of spiritual leadership in the home to husbands: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:18-19).
Naturally, there is a great deal of controversy in the church today surrounding these words’ precise meaning. Some husbands wonder, “What am I supposed to do – act like a preacher?” Some wives ask, “Why is he supposed to be the only spiritual leader? Why can’t we both do it?” In the end, it all comes down to an elementary and fundamental truth: families need leaders. The buck has to stop somewhere if the household is to function smoothly and efficiently.
It’s important to remember here that a difference in roles doesn’t mean “unequal.” God doesn’t consider wives inferior, inadequate, less important, or less responsible than husbands. Besides, only an unwise man would reject his wife’s opinions and assistance. After all, the Lord has created her to be his best earthly resource.
Christians have varying opinions about the practical mechanics of spiritual leadership in the home. Generally, if a husband and wife have a healthy relationship, they build consensus when making their decisions, looking to Christ as the ultimate Head of their home. They compare their individual aptitudes and assume tasks based on their individual strengths. In some areas of service, they share tasks. But they also recognize that, in the final analysis, the husband carries a greater responsibility for leadership.
If we are looking to Jesus Christ as our model, this can only mean one thing: the man is supposed to follow a servant-leader’s path. Jesus put it this way: “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:25-28).
A spiritual servant-leader, then, imitates Christ. He’s tuned in to his family’s needs and concerned for its spiritual welfare. He looks for ways to help its members grow in their relationship with God. He provides physical support, grace, and encouragement. He is ready to protect, help, and defend. In hard times and good times, in season and out of season, he’s ready to lay down his life for those who have been entrusted to his care.
As men play this important role, a woman and the children can help to bring the best out of the special man in their lives. With support and encouragement, they can help him grow in the different qualities needed in a husband who fulfills his high and holy calling –of being a husband and a father.
We have lined a few key important areas that every man should seek to grow. We have also purposively lined in a few examples of women of old in the Bible and how they supported and brought the best in their special men.
A husband who wants to lead His family effectively must have a strong connection with His Heavenly Father, finding his happiness in Christ first; this is only possible if he maintains an intimate relationship with the Lord. This calls for him to be obedient and to follow God’s commands.
Moses was such a friend. He had a deep relationship with God. In fact, he talked to God face to face.
Yet, in Exodus 2.24-25, he was about to be punished by God for not following his commandment concerning circumcision. His son was not circumcised on the 8th day as required of every Hebrew child. The Bible says, ‘And it came to pass on the way, at the encampment, that the LORD met him and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone and cut off the foreskin of her son and cast it at Moses’ feet, and said, “Surely you are a husband of blood to me!”‘ (Ex 4.24-25). Moses may have neglected to circumcise his son because he had married a woman from the Midianites, who was too kind to her child and did not want him to experience the pain of a cut, and Moses in seeking not to hurt her wife’s feelings, had neglected God’s command. The Lord met him, and, probably, by a sword in an angel’s hand, sought to kill Moses.
Friends, this was a great change. Very lately, God was conversing with him as a friend, and now coming forth with punishment. Concerned for her husband’s safety, Zipporah overcomes her motherly feelings of hatred for the painful rite. She performed it on her son herself, using one of the sharp flints with which that part of the desert abounds, an operation which her husband, on whom the duty devolved, was unable to do, and having brought the bloody evidence, exclaimed in the painful excitement of her feelings that for love to him she had risked the life of her child.
Those who are called to guide others in the path of duty should be careful to walk in it themselves, and in all things, a husband has to set an example that others may safely follow.
He must balance his commitments and nurture in his concern for each family member’s mental and emotional needs.
Friends, we need to have that balance in life. Do not allow the busyness of life, the love for money, partying with friends, and engagements in the church keep you away from your family. You can only know and nurture your family well if you are creating quality time for them. It is when you are eating together as a family, playing games with your wife and kids that they get relaxed and open up.
The women in the house, we want to challenge you to help your partners manage work by giving them a helping hand and discussing ways of creating time for the family.
Do you know at some point Moses was separated from his wife? It is probable that Zipporah, being alarmed by the circumstance we mentioned of almost losing her husband’s life, and fearing worse evils, took the resolution to return to her father’s house with her two sons.
She may also have gone back home to her parents because of a whole change in their lives. Moses was a shepherd of his father-in-law flocks, and after the burning bush experience, he became a leader of the Israelites. You know the change in Moses’ career life meant that he had to spend more time with the people than with his wife and the children. I imagine this was a difficult change for Zipporah, and she may have had difficulties in adapting to the changes in their life.
Zipporah may have shared her frustration with the father. When he came, Ex 18:1, to bring back the wife and children to Moses, he witnessed for himself the challenges his son-in-law was going through in dispensing justice to the people and was able to give good counsel on how to manage the work to overcome burnout and also be effective and efficient in service delivery to the people. The Bible says, ‘And so it was, on the next day, that Moses sat to judge the people; and the people stood before Moses from morning until evening. So when Moses’ father-in-law saw all that he did for the people, he said, “What is this thing that you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit, and all the people stand before you from morning until evening?” “When they have difficulty, they come to me, and I judge between one and another, and I make known the statutes of God and His laws.” So Moses’ father-in-law said to him, “The thing that you do is not good. “Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself. “Listen now to my voice; I will give you counsel, and God will be with you: Stand before God for the people, so that you may bring the difficulties to God. “And you shall teach them the statutes and the laws, and show them the way in which they must walk and the work they must do. “Moreover you shall select from all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them to be rulers of thousands, rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens. “And let them judge the people at all times. Then it will be that every great matter they shall bring to you, but every small matter they themselves shall judge. So it will be easier for you, for they will bear the burden with you’ (Ex 18:13-24).
This amendment did not only make him an effective leader. It must have also allowed him time to spend with God and also with his family. It is possible to help your husband even if you may have to use the counsel of a trusted, wise man or a professional.
He must be proactive, spot potential challenges to his wife and children’s welfare, and develop workable solutions to problems.
The man in the family should be reactive to situations. He needs to see things even before they come and move with speed to address them.
There are times when your man may not see the challenge coming because they are either too busy, content, and unable to deal with the problems effectively. Yes, you can prayerfully point out areas of challenges that your husband needs to address to avoid potential danger to the family’s welfare.
Sarah helped the husband address a potential problem that was building up, which could have ruined the family if neglected. The Bible gives a narrative, ‘So the child grew and was weaned. And Abraham made a great feast on the same day that Isaac was weaned. And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had borne to Abraham, scoffing. Therefore she said to Abraham, “Cast out this bondwoman and her son; for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, namely with Isaac.” And the matter was very displeasing in Abraham’s sight because of his son. But God said to Abraham, “Do not let it be displeasing in your sight because of the lad or because of your bondwoman. Whatever Sarah has said to you, listen to her voice; for in Isaac, your seed shall be called’ (Ge 21.8-14).
And he must be characterized by integrity, seeking to be the safest, wisest, and most respected man his family has ever known.
Integrity is everything! You miss it, and your life goes down the drain. Sometimes, in the spur of a moment, one can lose their mind and want to do wrong things that can lower one’s integrity and deny them the opportunity of being the safest, wisest, and most respected family men.
But, women, you can help your men maintain level-headedness even in the face of challenges. No better story in the Bible can illustrate this than Abigail’s story helping David, who later became his husband maintain level-headedness. In deep humility, kindness, and choicest words, she approached David and spoke to him. She prevailed against him not to destroy her family out of anger because of the insensitive action of her husband, Nabal. David appreciated the counsel of this godly woman, who spoke to his life. David said to Abigail, ‘”Blessed is the LORD God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me!” And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand. “For indeed, as the LORD God of Israel lives, who has kept me back from hurting you, unless you had hastened and come to meet me, surely by morning light, no males would have been left to Nabal!” So David received from her hand what she had brought him, and said to her, “Go up in peace to your house. See, I have heeded your voice and respected your person”‘ (1Sa 25:32-35).
Conclusion
We would want every man to say with all confidence that, ‘”And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD”‘ (Jos 24.15).
Yes, every man should remember that to be a successful family leader:
He must maintain a good and intimate relationship with the Lord. He must
Create time and be sensitive to the family’s needs of your family
Be proactive by being able to spot potential challenges and offering solutions to them.
Be a good role model by allowing your life to be characterized by integrity, being the safest person whom members of the family can run for support and counsel.
We pray that these few suggestions will help you get your thoughts moving in the right direction. If you have further questions, we’d like to invite you to call and speak with the pastoral team. The church and the women should offer men the support they need to be what God wants them to be by making their leadership role easy.